Waking Up Crying...

So this is my first try at this.  I read a lot of food and lifestyle blogs, but this is different.  This is the start of my journey with cancer.

It's been an insane few days.  About 3 weeks ago, I had surgery to remove a polyp in the right side of my nose and to fix a deviated septum on the left.  When I saw my doctor a week post-op, he told me it wasn't a polyp, but a very rare tumor called an olfactory neuroblastoma.  Of course, I had gone to this visit expecting to just have my splint removed, so my husband Chris was in the waiting room keeping our 14 month old Christopher busy.  I had to make follow up appointments before we had a moment of privacy.  So I got to tell my husband in an elevator that I had cancer.

So fast forward to two days ago.  We go to the major hospital 50 minutes from our house to meet with the multidisciplinary team.  Of course, the nurse tells me that 7 people are coming in and then takes my blood pressure - so for the girl who consistently has perfect blood pressure, seeing 132/85 made me even more upset!

Having lived through the last week not knowing anything, it was somewhat of a relief when the team of doctors told me that they were recommending the following - surgery, chemo and radiation.  And that I should expect that all of this will take 6 months.  And my chances of having another baby after chemo is 70%.  But I can have my eggs harvested so that we have a better chance of having another baby.  My head was spinning.  They needed the room for the next patient, so we had to move down the hall.  We talked to the social worker and after about an hour, I had an appointment scheduled several hours later for a PET scan and several doctor's appointments over the next few days.

I met with the surgeon yesterday and got the details of my surgery.  All I remember is hearing that my spinal fluid will leak and the doctor thinks he can fix it.  But years from now, it could leak again and I would need to have more surgery.  If he was trying to talk me out of it, he was successful.  But I don't really have a choice.  The tumor needs to come out so that I can start chemo and radiation.  There are no other options if I want this cancer of my body.

So hence the title of the post.  I woke up before my alarm with an overwhelming sadness.  I woke up crying - I just couldn't stop.  I got out of bed and went into the bathroom so I wouldn't wake up Chris.  Never have I felt so sorry for myself - I'm a 31 year old mother.  We planned to try for another baby by next summer.  This stupid tumor is messing up my plans for my life.  I don't get a choice in the next year of my life.  I try to remind myself that there are people who have it much worse.  I've been told I can be cured.  But it still sucks!

Even though my plans are being put on hold, life isn't going to stop for me.  It keeps moving and I have to accept that my cancer is a speed bump in my life and I will get through this!

- Sarah